It feels good when you are away. It feels like I can breathe again, be myself again. Just as if there was nothing that could stop me. I do not need to think about you, I do not need to wait until the next hour I will see you. I enjoy life better. And I don't think about the hurting in my heart as much. That hurting you leave when you joke about Valentine's Day, a fucking amazing actress you would like to fuck or a engagement ring ad you heard on the radio. All in front of me. As if it was all true, all raw, in front of my eyes. And you know how I deal with that. I don't. At all. I do not know how to let go. Because I believed once I was the most wanted woman. I was so well loved by someone before. It's hard to feel alone, feel like I am only one, when you said we should be together. But I know, inside of me, that this is just a phase. I know I'm not here for a long time. One day, sooner than later, I will be gone, because I am like that. I am a escaper and I need to be alone sometimes. Really alone. Not alone like I feel when I'm with you.

I do not know who wants who in this relationship. I do not know how to show my feelings to you entirely, because you don't feel. It's sour to want you. My love is not sweet. But I know I'm learning. I'm learning about mysteries inside of me that I didn't know I had. You say you love me and whatever you do, I should think about that, but I don't know anymore if your love is really concrete. Love is something you build with care, not craze. I feel dizzy thinking about you. Like you are a drug that I want to throw down the drain, but I can't, otherwise, I will feel bad and want to go back to it, because it might be available.

I am a strong woman. I am lucky, beyond all. I know you turned out to be in my life for a reason and I am learning from you, things I have never learned before. It is with your good heart, your free spirit and your opened mind that I keep going on, seeing how healthy you are. You are nice. We are very similar. But maybe, people that are too similar aren't supposed to be together. You know I like you and want to be by your side a little more. But I am going to go away. And I know you are not coming after me, because it's not like you to come after something such love. You are comfortable alone. You have many friends, like me. You will always be alright. So I will say good-bye, as I picture it. A kiss in the cheek, a sad look and an airplane flying away. For good reasons, not only wanting to get away from you.

Years later, we'll meet at a bar. You'll be graduating from school, with a suit on, going to get a coffee break. You'll be smoking cigarettes again. You started them the day I left. I will be back from many adventures around. You will be married. I will be single. We will get a coffee together and remember the good times when we used to hike around the city, find new places to explore and kiss under the stars. I will remember you saying things you would never say again. Then, you will ask for a dose of cognac in your coffee. We'll look at each other, see that we are both happy, feel a rush to go back to the past but see it is impossible. So you will kiss my hand, tell me I look great and walk away.

I will never hear from you again. That is how things will work.

Para você, eu ser a donzela mais bela de qualquer casa cheia de belezas. Quando longe, me ligar em uma tarde entediante apenas para dizer que está com saudades. Dizer eu te amo espontaneamente, não por força ou obrigação. Ter vontade que eu seja a futura mãe dos teus filhos, mesmo que não aconteça. Comprar um presente para mim de vez em quando, uma bobagem que te fez lembrar de mim. Não querer flertar com outras mulheres. Me assistir dormir. Deixar uma flor de manhã na cama quando eu acordar. Não falar que quer comer outra mulher na minha frente, nem que seja uma mulher que até eu comeria. Fazer uma música, um vídeo, um texto em minha homenagem. Mudar de país por minha causa. Nunca dizer que não quer se casar comigo, mesmo que eu não queira casar com você. Não falar que ama sua ex-namorada, mas não me ama. Apreciar minhas tentativas de fantasias sexuais interessantes. Repetir e repetir que eu sou a coisa mais linda que você já viu. Repetir e repetir também que você nunca se importou com alguém como se importa comigo. Tudo isso que você não faz, me faz sofrer. E é por isso que eu penso e penso se eu te quero tanto assim mesmo. Porque um dia, alguém já fez tudo isso por mim. E você não chega nem perto de tudo isso que já vi e senti.

"This isn't the way I will raise my kids, you know? I see these women, these... these robots, these perfect trophy wifes, blonde hair, flawless nails, stiff fake breasts, flicks of plastic surgery in every visible part of their faces, tough attitude, high heels... I just don't see myself growing that way. I see myself in another plan of life. I see me simpler, happier, truthfull to my family and friends. I do not see my future in a hair salon or a tanning spa. I think about my kids with me, stepping barefoot in the sand, rolling in the grass, laughing and talking about their favorite cartoons. Sharing, loving. I see myself saying 'no' when they have to hear it. I see them understanding and respecting their parents. I see reciprocal consideration and honesty. I see them with me at work in the theatre sometimes, playing with masks, imporvising. I see them telling me about what they learned in school and I see myself listening carefully and adding even more details for their stories. I see them not feeling pressured about getting only A+s in school. I see them playing instruments, sports, making art. I see them hugging their friends, loving people, being social. I see trips, not as often as now, but I see it. I see them going alone to other countries, discovering other cultures, getting to know the world they live in. I see their father bawling, with happiness in his eyes when he first sees them. I see emotion and simplicity. I see a beautiful life and a real family in my future. The ones that the kids wake up in the middle of the night because of a thunderstorm and get under the covers with us, not because they are afraid, but because thunderstorms are special. I don't see myself plastified, trapped inside a box that I can't get out. I want my children to be loved, with all the love I can give, even if it's tough. I want to be a real mother."