Labirinto

It feels good when you are away. It feels like I can breathe again, be myself again. Just as if there was nothing that could stop me. I do not need to think about you, I do not need to wait until the next hour I will see you. I enjoy life better. And I don't think about the hurting in my heart as much. That hurting you leave when you joke about Valentine's Day, a fucking amazing actress you would like to fuck or a engagement ring ad you heard on the radio. All in front of me. As if it was all true, all raw, in front of my eyes. And you know how I deal with that. I don't. At all. I do not know how to let go. Because I believed once I was the most wanted woman. I was so well loved by someone before. It's hard to feel alone, feel like I am only one, when you said we should be together. But I know, inside of me, that this is just a phase. I know I'm not here for a long time. One day, sooner than later, I will be gone, because I am like that. I am a escaper and I need to be alone sometimes. Really alone. Not alone like I feel when I'm with you.

I do not know who wants who in this relationship. I do not know how to show my feelings to you entirely, because you don't feel. It's sour to want you. My love is not sweet. But I know I'm learning. I'm learning about mysteries inside of me that I didn't know I had. You say you love me and whatever you do, I should think about that, but I don't know anymore if your love is really concrete. Love is something you build with care, not craze. I feel dizzy thinking about you. Like you are a drug that I want to throw down the drain, but I can't, otherwise, I will feel bad and want to go back to it, because it might be available.

I am a strong woman. I am lucky, beyond all. I know you turned out to be in my life for a reason and I am learning from you, things I have never learned before. It is with your good heart, your free spirit and your opened mind that I keep going on, seeing how healthy you are. You are nice. We are very similar. But maybe, people that are too similar aren't supposed to be together. You know I like you and want to be by your side a little more. But I am going to go away. And I know you are not coming after me, because it's not like you to come after something such love. You are comfortable alone. You have many friends, like me. You will always be alright. So I will say good-bye, as I picture it. A kiss in the cheek, a sad look and an airplane flying away. For good reasons, not only wanting to get away from you.

Years later, we'll meet at a bar. You'll be graduating from school, with a suit on, going to get a coffee break. You'll be smoking cigarettes again. You started them the day I left. I will be back from many adventures around. You will be married. I will be single. We will get a coffee together and remember the good times when we used to hike around the city, find new places to explore and kiss under the stars. I will remember you saying things you would never say again. Then, you will ask for a dose of cognac in your coffee. We'll look at each other, see that we are both happy, feel a rush to go back to the past but see it is impossible. So you will kiss my hand, tell me I look great and walk away.

I will never hear from you again. That is how things will work.